“She sits alone on the train and hides in her coat,
And looks out the window and wonders,
What would it feel like to be yourself.
Because sometimes it hurts when she cries but she laughs.
She cries but she laughs.
She walks through a world that doesn’t feel kind.
Unintentionally, she says things that everyone always says.
Because nothing ever goes wrong, everything is always okay.
And she talks along with them and she laughs.
She cries but she laughs.”

The song She Cries but She Laughs by singer Maan is very moving to me. It touches on an issue that thousands of children and young people struggle with every day. Something I also struggled with in the past: being yourself. Nowadays, it is an increasingly difficult task for children to simply be themselves, with all the influences from outside. To discover who you actually are, want to be, and what you stand for. If you also have to deal with insecurity, such as bullying, this makes it even more complicated. Of course, we cannot remove all the barriers and obstacles for children. Children also need to learn to overcome obstacles. This gives them self-confidence and makes them resilient. But in order to discover yourself and develop yourself, you need to feel safe. That is a basic prerequisite for development.

Social safety: what is it?

Schools have the important task of ensuring that every child, as well as every education professional, feels safe at school. Of creating an environment in which everyone can develop to the fullest. This means that you have to work on social safety. But what exactly is social safety? And how do you do that? For this, let me take you back to Maan’s song:

“What if tomorrow she decides not to hide.
To trade her better self for her true face.
Will the friends she wants to trust
Still love her?
If she cries and doesn’t laugh…”

Isn’t the answer to the question actually very simple? Doesn’t social safety simply mean that you are allowed to show your true face? Without having to fear that you will no longer belong or that people will no longer like you. To me, social safety means being able to be yourself, belonging, and being good just as you are. It is about being seen and heard. Being able to express yourself freely, and being allowed and daring to give your opinion. Being allowed to make mistakes, to fall in the process, and to be helped back up. But it is also about caring for the well-being and safety of another person. At School and Safety, we talk a lot with each other about what social safety actually is. It regularly means that I hear beautiful things:

  • In a socially safe environment, everyone is welcome, but not all behavior is acceptable.
  • In a socially safe environment, you respect yourself and others.
  • In a socially safe environment, students are open, spontaneous, and playful.
  • In a socially safe environment, students have fun.
  • In a socially safe environment, differences are seen as valuable.

Social safety: How do you do that?

Knowing what social safety is is one thing. Creating a safe environment is another. The beginning of the school year is an excellent time to focus on this again. In group dynamics, these weeks are called the Golden Weeks. Boaz Bijleveld – author of the book The Golden Weeks 2.0 – says the following about them:

“During these weeks, you forge and shape the gold you have in your hands—the interaction between you and your students—into a pleasant atmosphere in the group. This creates a solid foundation for the entire school year.” (Boaz Bijleveld)

But where do you start? I would be happy to help you on your way with the first step, based on the solution-focused method.

Describe the desired future

If you want to work on social safety, you need to know exactly where you want to go. Describe the desired future and make it as concrete as possible. I personally find the scaling question a useful tool. On a scale from 1 to 10 – where 1 represents a school that does nothing about safety and 10 represents a school that is as safe as possible – the challenge is first to form an image of what that 10 actually entails.

“Imagine that your school is performing optimally in the area of safety—a 10, in other words… What is the first thing you would notice about this school? What else? What after that?” (Sue Young)

In her book ‘From Bullying to Cooperation’, Sue Young writes that the purpose of asking follow-up questions is to uncover more and more details. This makes it increasingly concrete what you want the desired future to look like. As a teacher, you can also have this same conversation in your classroom. Ask students questions about the desired future with regard to the atmosphere in the classroom. This helps them describe what they need to feel comfortable and safe in the group. It provides clarity about how the students want to interact with one another and what kind of group they would like to be. In her book, Sue Young describes a number of example questions:

Imagine that everyone in this class has a fantastic week/year:

  • How would you behave toward one another?
  • When this class is at its best, how would you interact with one another?
  • How would you make this happen?
  • How would this make learning easier?
  • What would you notice if this class were as friendly as you would like it to be?
  • What would be the first thing I might notice?
  • What would other teachers notice that would show them this is a happy class?
  • What would your parents see and notice that would tell them you are happy at school?

With questions like these, you focus on what you want to achieve in the classroom and start from the desired future. I like these questions because they create energy and confidence to talk with each other about what you do want instead of what you do not want. What you give attention to grows! It may be stating the obvious, but what is wrong with stating the obvious? If it works, it works. And you should do more of what works.

After this brief introduction to solution-focused work, I would be happy to take you further into it during Anti-Bullying Week. In this way, we work together toward what children deserve: the opportunity to develop within a safe and pleasant school climate. In this, we are ‘All in This Together’!