At school
“Based on research into the scale of sexual abuse, you can assume that there are a few children in every class who have experienced some form of sexual abuse,” says Iva Bicanic, clinical psychologist and national coordinator of the Sexual Violence Center. Lindi Thissen, now a primary school teacher, was one of those children. She was raped by her driving instructor. Out of shame and guilt, she did not seek help. Below, she tells her story and makes an important appeal to parents and teachers.
It began very innocently
“I thought I could stand up for myself. That I would never end up in a situation where I would have forced sex. And yet I was raped by my driving instructor. He was twice my age and he had power over me. The lessons began pleasantly and amicably, but in small steps he repeatedly crossed my boundaries. I was extremely afraid of him. He was intimidating and told me during every lesson how he had resolved things through verbal or physical violence. He was pushy and hot-tempered. Out of fear, I froze, time and time again. It was as if I stepped out of my own body. I wanted to scream, but my mouth would not move; I wanted to run, hit, kick, but I did not move. I was in his power and he decided what happened. As much as I would have wanted to, at that moment I was unable to stop the abuse. I did not dare ask for help; I was afraid that no one would want anything to do with me if they knew what was happening. I continued taking lessons with this man until I got my driving licence; fortunately, that brought the abuse to an end. I carried this secret around with me for another year and a half.”
Silence is golden, right?
“There are more stories like mine. Often, it involves a power struggle, with many interests also at stake. A neighbour, father, police officer, teacher, etc.—often it is someone in your circle whom you encounter frequently. Someone who continuously exercises power over you. When forced sex is involved, you feel that it is your own fault, that you could have prevented it and that you should have said no. You feel dirty and guilty. You know that it is not allowed and you want nothing more than for it to stop. But your shame and fear win out, so you continue to remain silent. If I had confided in someone and shared my story, I would have received help to get out of this difficult situation. That person could have shown me that it was not my fault. That I am not worth less or different.”
Sex education at school
“I believe schools have an important role to play in making children and young people sexually resilient. A great deal has already improved in schools since my primary school days. Every year, starting in first grade, schools pay attention to sexual development and resilience. The subject is discussed openly and honestly. I am a teacher myself, so I see this happening up close. Teachers are beginning to regard teaching children about sexuality as normal. Nevertheless, many teachers still find sex an awkward subject; it is taboo. In many classes, no more than one or two lessons are given each year. They are also put away in the cupboard again as quickly as possible.”
Talking is golden!
“I am convinced that if parents and teachers are open about all aspects of sexuality, a great deal will change. Children sense that it is not taboo and dare to ask questions. If children find themselves in a situation where they have to do things against their will, they are more likely to ask parents or teachers for help. As a result, children can be helped during such a situation, or even beforehand, to prevent abuse or rape!
It would have helped me enormously if I had talked about sexuality from an early age. If I had known that I could turn to teachers or my parents with questions or doubts. So talk! About the pleasant and less pleasant sides. Not only during the Week of the Spring Fever, but show and make it clear that children can always turn to you as a teacher or parent. Take every opportunity you get to talk openly about sex and sexual resilience. We can make a difference!”
Do you want a higher grade as a teacher?
Rutgers supports the #Kutvoorlichting campaign and is happy to give teachers tools to improve sex education at their school. For all the ins and outs, visit www.seksuelevorming.nl/kutvoor... to see what you can do.