A history of bullying
Kicking, hitting, name-calling and pushing him around as if it were a game. This is how Jeroen describes the bullying behaviour at his previous primary school. He speaks openly about his experience of being bullied. Anti-bullying coordinator Karola, from his current school, thinks this is very brave. “What Jeroen went through was no small matter, and it is impressive that he wants to share his story. Others can learn a great deal from it.”
The bullying mainly took place during breaks, even when teachers were outside as well and watching. “When I said something to the teachers about the bullying, they promised to keep an eye on it. Barely ten seconds later, it would happen again and the teachers did nothing. Our breaks were quite long too, so I began to dread them more and more.”
Over the years, the bullying became increasingly severe, according to Jeroen. What began as harmless jokes developed into serious bullying. It became so bad that he no longer dared to go to school. He even remembers one morning when he hid under his stuffed animals. He hoped that his mother would think he was absent and call the school to report him sick. He often returned home crying and sought comfort from his stuffed animals. “My stuffed animals were the only ones who never said anything that made me feel bad.”
Not enough help
Nowhere did Jeroen find the help he so desperately needed. His parents gave well-intentioned advice that was of no use to him, such as simply shrugging your shoulders and walking away. “When I did that, I was bullied even more. I really couldn’t think of a way to escape the bullying. Fighting back was definitely not a good idea.”
His classmates did not help him either. They were afraid of becoming targets of bullying themselves. “My classmates saw what was happening, but they didn’t dare say anything to the teacher. Once, a boy stood up for me when the bullies threw my clothes into a dirty rubbish bin. They stopped for a while, but then the bullying simply started again.” Jeroen thinks that the boy realised his help had little effect and therefore gave up.
Karola says that Jeroen’s previous primary school did not know how to deal with him. “He was often put outside the classroom with toys, such as K’nex or Lego.” Karola is surprised that some schools still pay insufficient attention to bullying. She emphasises that every school should really have an anti-bullying protocol.
A code of conduct
At Karola’s school, they prefer to speak of a code of conduct. “This means that we don’t punish people, but talk things through, apologise and treat each other kindly. We set a standard, and that already prevents a lot of bullying behaviour.” The school takes a preventive approach rather than intervening afterwards. For example, they always have an “agreement of the month” for the children. Recently, that agreement was: everyone is allowed to join in. “This helps us remind children how they should treat one another,” Karola explains.
“A code of conduct like this creates a safe climate,” Karola continues. “A safe climate means that you are allowed to be who you are. That is what we stand for. Although children may display behaviour that is not always understood, it is important to do your best together to learn to understand it. You don’t have to like everyone, but you do have to treat everyone with respect. This foundation is firmly established at the school.”
Open communication
Learning to understand one another was also an important point when Jeroen started at his current school. It did not go well immediately, but Jeroen is now trying to explain better what is happening to him and how he feels. One major difference is that he can now approach Karola when classmates do not understand him.
Karola: “I immediately spoke with the whole class. By showing understanding for classmates who struggled with Jeroen’s behaviour, openness arose. This created space to explain why Jeroen sometimes behaves that way and where his behaviour comes from. But I also talked with Jeroen about action and reaction. The emphasis is on finding solutions and encouraging conversations.”
Starting a conversation without passing judgment
Karola emphasises the importance of neutrality. As a teacher, it is important not to pass judgment and to give everyone the opportunity to speak. “No matter how angry you are,” says Karola. “Neutrality opens the door to a good conversation. You may be strict, but you do not sound angry, and as a result children experience fairness. Whatever comes out of the conversations, it is dealt with in a reasonable way. And that creates safety.”
Involve parents
One aspect of Jeroen’s story that Karola finds particularly distressing is that his parents were never involved in the bullying problem. Jeroen also says that he considers this very important at school. “If a child says they are being bullied, or sees another child being bullied, take it seriously and intervene. Above all, don’t forget to involve the parents. By keeping parents out of it or telling them almost nothing, a bully starts to think: as long as I don’t get punished, it doesn’t matter what I do.”
Karola: “Whenever something happens at our school, we inform the parents immediately and invite them for a conversation. But we also ask parents to keep us informed. Let us know what your child comes home with. Because we see a lot, but certainly not everything.” This openness ensures that parents and children raise the alarm more quickly. “This prevents a lot of problems. Parents simply know that the school will intervene when something is reported. The safety of the pupils comes first; only afterwards do other matters come into play.”
*For privacy reasons, Jeroen is not the pupil’s real name
Jeroen’s tips for teachers
1 Talk about bullying at school
At school, they should show what bullying is and explain that it is not allowed. Then children know what to do when they see bullying. If you don’t explain to children what can happen or what it does to someone, nothing will change either.
2 Walk around places you do not usually visit
Teachers should walk throughout the school and look everywhere. Sometimes bullying happens in places where they are not always present. If they look everywhere, they can see it and stop it.
3 Improve friendships between classmates
Organise activities that help classmates get to know one another better, so they can become friends and stand up for each other sooner.
4 Involve parents
If the bullying continues or many children are involved, the parents need to know what is going on. Then they can also talk about it at home and help stop the bullying.
Karola’s tips for education professionals
1 Support teachers
Support teachers in creating a safe climate. You can do this by advising them to be neutral and fair, encouraging open communication and providing space for conversations.
2 Stay informed
Use current media and technology to stay informed about bullying behaviour, including online bullying. Take action against bullying, both at school and online.
3 Improve relationships between children
Implement programmes and activities that promote positive behaviour and playing together. Make sure these initiatives are supported by the entire team and the parents.
4 Take comprehensive action when necessary
If there is serious bullying behaviour, take the necessary steps to address it thoroughly. In some cases, a large-scale intervention involving parents and everyone concerned may be needed to reach a solution.