Stef is a 9-year-old boy.  Stef loves playing with Barbies and My Little Pony and would rather walk in high heels.  Stef also loves singing and takes singing lessons. Sylvia van Bragt from School & Safety visited Stef, his family and his singing teacher.

Singing teacher Babz Verhoeven says that during  his singing lesson, Stef became emotional as he talked about the children who reject and bully him. For a while, it seemed that his participation in Holland’s got Talent had improved his place in the group, but a week later that had faded away again and he was once more ‘that weird boy’. Despite the fact that Stef is not ashamed of who he is, the bullying continued to trouble him. Stef’s wish is for everyone to be able to be themselves. This gave him the idea of making a song about it together with his singing teacher. Stef’s single is called: ‘Als je jezelf kunt zijn’.

“Stef is right!”, Van Bragt believes. “It does not matter, or actually, it should not matter. The reality is unfortunately that it often does matter. Pupils reject each other and exclude one another based on behaviour that deviates from the norm. There are social norms and expectations regarding boys and girls and how they are supposed to behave, based on stereotypical images. Boys who do not behave boyishly enough and girls who do not behave girlishly enough are therefore at greater risk of being bullied and excluded. After all, they are seen as deviating from the norm. These rigid norms pose a risk to social safety. For one child, this may mean completely adapting in order to comply with the norm, so that they can no longer be themselves. For another child, it may mean choosing the deviation from the norm, but consequently ending up outside the group.”

Behind the glittery heels

Previously, Elsemiek from School & Safety wrote the blog: ‘Narrow alleys or plenty of room’, which discusses prevailing gender norms, their influence on future choices and the importance of broadening these norms to create greater equality of opportunity.

In addition to broadening the norm, we can teach children to look beyond what they see at first glance. Behaviour that deviates from the norm is often placed under a magnifying glass. But who is actually behind the boy who likes glittery heels? Do his classmates really know him? If you look at the other children, does Stef not have more in common with them than he is different from them?  And aren’t we actually all different? As singing teacher Babz said to us: “What is different? Different is different from normal, but when are you normal?”

Stef’s interests and the way he expresses his gender are part of his identity. But Stef is much more than a boy who likes so-called ‘girly things’. Other aspects of his identity also make up who he is. Think of his character, hobbies, family (history), upbringing, ethnicity, stage of life, learning style, position within the family (brothers), worldview, et cetera. In addition, it is not only true for Stef that gender is part of his identity; for everyone, gender (and how you express it) is part of their identity to a greater or lesser extent. Yet with Stef, that part of who he is is magnified. Because it stands out, because it deviates from expectations based on the prevailing norm, because it is ‘different’.

I see, I see, who you really are

People often see only one or two aspects of someone else’s identity. The things that stand out first. Based on that, we are quick to judge whether someone is ‘normal’ or ‘different’. Often in relation to what is familiar, expectations, prejudices, norms or stereotypes.

As adults, it is our task to teach children how to deal with differences and to teach them to truly look at someone and really get to know them. Do we still make the effort to get to know someone? Do we listen sincerely and attentively? Do we really know what is on the other person’s mind?

According to School & Safety, it starts with being curious about the other person. If you are curious, the rest follows naturally. You make time for the other person, listen attentively and ask questions to truly understand what is going on inside them. This creates understanding for the other person, which is necessary to judge less quickly and instead foster connection.

For Stef, besides his family, Babz is such a person. Someone who truly sees him, without judgement. How does she do it? By giving him space, listening consciously and looking beyond what she sees at first glance: “He always laughs, but that does not mean he is always happy”.

School & Safety was impressed by Stef’s story and is glad that he has people in his life who can say: I see, I see, who you really are. We all need these people.

Curious about how Stef is doing now? Stef is involved in a lot of wonderful things, including his own clothing line: ‘Shine by Stef’.

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