Although scientific research has taught us more and more about bullying, Oldenburg notices during such conversations that there are still many misconceptions about bullying. Some of these misconceptions are harmless, but others can mean that bullying is not addressed properly or that the situation even gets worse. In this article, she debunks the five misconceptions about bullying that she has encountered most often in recent years.
1. “Bullies are very impulsive and insecure”
Although some bullies – particularly bullies who are also bullied themselves – may indeed be impulsive and insecure, research shows that many bullies actually act very deliberately. One of the main reasons for bullying is that children want a higher social status. By bullying, they show the rest of the group how ‘cool’ and ‘tough’ they are. In doing so, bullies strategically choose a victim: someone who has difficulty defending themselves and who does not have many friends. This allows them to do as they please without too much resistance. And strangely enough, this strategy works: bullies are generally not liked or considered nice, but they are popular.
2. “The bully should simply be punished severely!”
This is usually said by parents of victims. It is entirely understandable that parents of children who are bullied want the bully to be punished severely, but it is questionable whether this actually reduces the bullying. In fact, sometimes it makes the bullying worse. Bullies who continue bullying despite all kinds of punishments may be regarded as even cooler.
Instead of imposing severe punishments, teachers would do better to try to change the reactions of bystanders – the children who see the bullying happening. These bystanders determine whether bullying actually leads to a higher social status. If the bystanders laugh or encourage the bully, the bully feels supported, but when they disapprove of the bullying, for example by defending the victim, the bully receives the signal that the bullying is not tolerated.
Most children who see someone being bullied would like to do something about it, but do not know exactly how. They are often afraid of being bullied themselves if they stand up to the bully. To resolve bullying, it is important that these bystanders learn how to help children who are being bullied in an effective and safe way.
3. “You should just hit the bully, then the bullying will stop!”
This well-intentioned advice usually does not help either. According to the Swedish researcher Olweus, an important characteristic of bullying is that there is a power imbalance between the bully and the victim. This means that the bully is physically stronger or, for example, has more friends than the victim. This makes it particularly difficult and sometimes downright unsafe for victims to fight back.
Scientific research in no way suggests that bullying stops when the victim fights back. In fact, it could make the situation worse. Moreover, giving this advice places the responsibility for stopping the bullying on the victim (“if you just stand up for yourself enough, it will stop”), which I consider undesirable. Bullying is a group problem and must also be resolved within the group.
4. “Bullying is unpleasant, but in the end it makes you more resilient”
Many people believe that children who are bullied become more resilient as a result. The underlying idea is that children who are bullied have a difficult time, but ultimately learn to cope with it and benefit from this for the rest of their lives.
Although it is important for children to learn how to deal with setbacks and difficult situations – after all, these are part of life – it is unlikely that bullying makes them more resilient. The aforementioned power imbalance makes it very difficult for the victim to defend themselves. In addition, another characteristic of bullying is that it is repeatedly directed at the same person. It is questionable whether it is actually good for children to be harassed again and again while finding it difficult to defend themselves against it.
This is also evident from research: children who are bullied feel lonely, anxious, and sad. These negative consequences of bullying can persist for a long time. For example, children who are bullied are more likely to suffer from depression later in life than children who are not bullied.
5. “Oh, but he isn’t being bullied ‘for real’!”
It is very difficult to determine whether children are being bullied ‘for real’. Bullies behave strategically and only bully when adults, such as parents, are not around. Subtle forms of bullying in particular are difficult for outsiders to detect. In addition, children who are bullied often keep it to themselves because they feel ashamed or are afraid of reprisals from the bullies. As a result, it can be very difficult to determine whether someone is really being bullied, especially when those involved (the bully, victim, teacher, and classmates) all say something different.
Research shows that it also does not matter whether children are being bullied ‘for real’ or not: children who feel that they are being bullied experience the negative consequences of bullying, such as anxiety and depression. This shows that bullying is largely a subjective phenomenon and that the question of whether it is ‘really’ bullying is irrelevant.
Conclusion
Most children bully because they want a higher social status. The reactions of bystanders determine whether they actually succeed, which is why bullying should be regarded as a group problem. Severe punishment or fighting back usually does not work and may even have the opposite effect, but encouraging bystanders to disapprove of the bullying and help the victim does work. Victims of bullying do not become more resilient as a result; instead, they often continue to suffer from it even later in life. It does not matter whether children are being bullied ‘for real’ or not; if they feel that they are being bullied, they experience negative consequences.